Good websites can take a little criticism.
Spank mywebsite.
A brutally honest website audit. Real fixes. A little emotional damage.
Go on. Give it a smack.
First offence: making people wait.
How long would you wait?
Your visitors have better things to do than watch your website load.
Here’s what a spanking gets you.
Your website. No filter.
One honest score. The biggest problems first. And exactly what to do about them.
Example audit
Visitor score
Looks nice. Loses visitors.
At least now you know what to fix.
They’re gone before you load.
8.4 seconds to show the main content.
The fix: Resize the hero image. Defer scripts that can wait.
Your small print is a squint test.
Body text contrast: 2.1:1. It needs 4.5:1.
The fix: Darken the text so people can actually read it.
Google’s guessing what you do.
The page has no search description.
The fix: Write a clear description for your search listing.
What they see before they run.
A visitor judges the first screen before reading a word. We measure what the eye finds there: how much is open space, how busy it feels, which colours own the page. No opinions, just pixels.
- Open space on the first screen
- 54%
- How busy it feels
- Dense
mcdonalds.com on a phone. Public example, not a customer.
By area
66%
3%
2%
other 23%
Grey text on grey. Naughty.
Every text colour is measured against its background. Failures get the nearest colour that passes and keeps the hue. "It looks fine on my monitor" is not a defence.
This is the grey most sites use for the words they think matter less. Prices, dates, the address, the small print. The words people came for.
3.54:1fails. #828282 on #f6f6ef. Body text needs 4.5:1. Bend over.
This is the same grey, a little darker. Nobody notices the change, everybody can read it. That is the whole fix, and the report hands it to you.
4.58:1passes. Use #707070 for the text. Same hue. Good site.
Found on news.ycombinator.com, 238 elements. Public example, not a customer.
Line them up. Someone gets spanked.
Add up to five competitors. Everyone takes the same phone test and the same scoring, so the ranking is fair. The slowest one goes last, and that is not our fault.
- 1mcdonalds.comYou932.4 s to main content
- 2tacobell.com851.8 s to main content
- 3chick-fil-a.com818.2 s to main content
- 4wendys.com7613.2 s to main content
- 5burgerking.comSpanked7038.1 s to main content
Real phone audits of 5 restaurant chains, September 24, 2026. Public examples, not customers.
Paste an address.
Assume the position.
Agencies attach it to launches. Freelancers bring it to first calls. Owners find out what the site costs them. No websites were harmed, only embarrassed.